Politics & Rants

Snitches Get Stitches

It came to our attention via Lenore Skenazy of Reason Magazine that some busy-bodied-Ned-Flanders-wannabe nazi-neighbor took it upon themselves to sic the pigs on a family for the unspeakably horrid crime of "leaving their ELEVEN year old son in their backyard."

All by himself.

Yeah constant readers, you read that correctly - the "law," (a farcical descriptor if ever there was one), is now charging the parents with a felony. When it comes to unmitigated bullshit of this magnitude, we here at DETH H.Q. like to peruse the article comments - to better canvas the mob"s general mood. (After all... when the time comes to grab the pine tar, we not only want front-row seating, but plan to have Piña coladas on standby - while selling "commemorative nooses" from a re-purposed hot-dog cart.)

The poster who initially caught our eye was fairly up-front, if uncreative:

"I"d kill any neighbor that made a phone call to the police for this."
- Judge Chipper

Killing is one way to handle this catastrophe we suppose. After all, we are pro-liberty "round these parts, and God-forbid we rub another man"s rhubarb. That said, we"ll offer that "murder," (beyond simply being dreadfully trite), really fails to give our villain a proper dessert - and that"s the general point when you"re talking serial revenge here.

(Don"t look so shocked. The header to this joint does read "Suffering to the Conquered" - does it not?)

Now, in the interest of mental masturbation - and hypothetical thought exercises - we can imagine some ways that a genuinely aggrieved person might begin to avenge himself on the destroyer(s) of his good name, family and potentially livelihood.

For example...

- One might wait for the snitch(s) to go away on a trip, and then knock a small hole in the basement window. Tenderly feed said neighbor"s garden hose through the aperture and turn it on.

- Roofing nails scattered sparingly about a driveway and lawn can be problematic for cars and mowers alike.

- Round-up lawn art - get in touch with your inner Rembrandt.

- Weed-seed... er... uh... we mean... "wildflowers" for their garden/flowerbed. The cheapies from the dime-store work, but the really noxious stuff you hand pick - like Knapp-weed buds - are golden.

- Girdling the bases of trees and saplings can make a point and put a dent in the snitch"s pocketbook. Such activities are also quiet and easy to accomplish.

- It"s a shame when accidents happen. Like when a beloved family pet accidentally encounters a sirloin marinated in anti-freeze.

- We"ve noticed there are numerous foods possessing obscenely destructive properties when quietly placed overnight on a parked car. Google is more than happy to provide ideas.

- A Leatherman stabbed into a vehicle"s oil filter is an exceptional way to make a point. (No pun intended).

- Sugar in the gas-tank is an oldie but a goodie. (Or just puncturing the gas tank for that matter).

- Speaking of sugar, why not gift them a few 5lb bags around the foundation - to help feed the starving ants and/or other long-suffering creepy-crawlies.

- Superglue applied to door locks, switches, doorbells, and outdoor light sockets is a worker of divine miracles. Add to expensive windows and utility boxes for bonus points.

Those are just a few hypothetical brain-drippings we gloamed onto while mulling various coercive-community-building-exercises. Consider it a spring board to begin concocting your own personalized flights of fancy. Above all else, be creative, keep legal counsel on retainer and never, ever, under any circumstances, boast - especially on the internet - until the statute of limitations is up.

We pride ourselves on being educators and enablers after all.

Use your creative impulses to help gabby neighbors understand that phrases like "snitches get stitches" can also be translated as "snitches find a hole burned through the engine block of their car with homemade thermite."