Politics & Rants

Our Presidential Platform

So, many people have been asking... "Ok Mr. Hotshot... you sure are good at tearing down Willard Fillmoure Romneycare and King Barry Hussein Obama... what would YOU promise if running for president.

Oh. My. *Cough* give me a moment to channel my inner George Carlin... *ahem*

My campaign Platform, as the Presidential Nominee of the "Get the fuck off my lawn or I will shoot you Party" is detailed in the twenty-one points below.

Our running-mate, will be Mr. Dennis Leary, who shall spend the entirety of his tenure in office channeling E. Friendly. He shall, at all times, carry a matched pair of loaded Colt 1911's tucked into the front of his pants, and will, on my command, pistol whip any member of congress that behaves like an ass hat. If they dislike this treatment, they can impeach me or challenge me to a duel on the spot. Vice President Leary will facilitate this as prescribed in the Code Duello.

Our Twenty-One Points:

1: I will attempt to appoint an Austrian School Federal Reserve President & Secretary of the Treasury. Their first mission will be to conduct a complete and public audit of the Federal Reserve Bank and the Treasury, though the heavens may fall because of it.

2: I will attempt to appoint a new DHS head. This individual's job will be to completely destroy the agency from the top down, institute a blanket hiring freeze, shred funding, strangle down-stream agency budgets, and cut the department's presence down by every single solitary ounce possible from the executive end. I will also support congressional legislation to dismantle the department wholesale.

3: See above for the IRS, DEA, EPA, BATF, FEMA, FBI, CIA, NSA, BLM, Department of Education, the Forest Service, USPS, TSA, HHS, and... well.. hrm... let's shorten this up:


See that list? One of my main jobs as president would be to use every single last tool at my disposal to see to it that those agencies are destroyed. End. I will produce appointee after appointee that shares this ambition, and should congress refuse to confirm, well... then - I do hope they enjoy staying in session for four years strait. The second they adjourn, I will let those recess appointments fly. Alternately, the organizations can meander around headless, directionless, and cash starved for my tenure. Not my ideal scenario, but I will settle for what I can get.

4: As president, I would veto any budget that is not balanced to tax receipts. The only exception to this would be a war waged against America directly - As in "A hostile force is attacking us on our home soil." That's the only situation in my mind that would justify borrowing money. If the congress critters want to construct some great-society horse-shit socialist utopia, they had best be prepared to raise the taxes to pay for it in the bills they drop on my desk. Every cent will come from new tax revenue, and will be accounted for minus magic numbers, cherub farts, skittle sh*^^ing unicorns, wishful thinking, and BLS double-counting. Failure to observe my rules will result in what shall become my customary veto - wiping my ass with the bill and hand delivering it to the speaker of the house and senate leader.

5: I'd veto any budget that does not cut military spending by 60%. The only exception to this would, again, be an immediate and direct threat to American citizens on our own soil - and let's clarify "direct threat." I am talking invasion. Some hostile foreign power is threatening to invade us, nuke us, or blockade us. I don't consider some 13th century throw-back barbarians and their death-cult to be a threat worthy of a virtual police surveillance state and 11 carrier attack groups. But don't worry, I will get to them.

6: I would veto any budget that does not cut Medicaid and Medicare spending by 60%. These programs cost too much. They are an area the federal government should have never been a part of. I have no fear of being hated, loathed, and being responsible for many of those forced onto these programs who end up dying. I do feel sympathy for these old folks - who had their money stolen from them in exchange for lies and promises that could never possibly be kept. (Drat that 6th grade math!). Sadly, removing a great wrong from our society will be painful. I'll go down as one of the most hated men in history, and I'll do so knowing I did the right thing. I will also support any congressional legislation that will abolish Medicaid and Medicare in their entirety.

7: I would support legislation that institutes a cut off phase for Social Security at those who are 40 years or younger. The program would end when the last of those 41+ die off. When that happens, all social security taxes would end. The congress critters that have been plugging their budget holes by raiding the completely non-existent SS fund will then have to find other ways to fund their little pork projects.

8: I would support legislation to repeal in full the "Anything but affordable care act." Another government overreach into private lives. Healthcare is a service. I finite one at that. You are no more entitled to it than you are entitled to new tires for your car. The government should not be the body that determines how it is rationed out. Just like with auto-repairs, let the means of those seeking medical care do the rationing.

9: I would support legislation that repealed the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act, (Sorry ol'Ronny Reagan). By not allowing a hospital to refuse treatment to non-payers, the "Gipper" created a system of institutional cost-shifting that is a large contributor to the sky-rocketing cost of health-care. If a person can't pay cash, or lacks insurance, they can go to the Catholic Hospital or County. This will reduce costs drastically, as everyone who pays will no longer be subsidizing "everyone who don't."

10: I would support legislation that limits the liability of emergency care doctors. Elective medicine can stay the same lawyer-shrewn mine-field, but doctors fighting to save lives in a trauma ward do not need their mal-practice insurance premiums sky-rocketing into oblivion if things go wrong while trying to steal life from death's maw. The legislation would ideally cap winnings and create a "looser pays the legal fees" situation to hammer-out nuisance suits.

11: I would support legislation to decriminalize and tax marijuana, cocaine, heroin, and other controlled substances at the federal level. 50% of this tax would be rendered to the states, based on population, for use towards education. 25% of this tax would go to the Federal Government to pay down our debt. 25% of this tax would go to the states for regulating and enforcing this new market as they see fit. You are a sovereign human being, free to destroy your mind and body in any way suiting your fancy. Just don't expect others to support you afterwards. The regulation arm of this legislation would be left up to the individual states.

12: I would support legislation affirming any adult's right to marry any other adult in this nation. I don't care what people do in their own homes with another consenting adult. Nor do I want to know about it. Whatever flips your switch.

13: I would support heavy tax penalties on any US or international company buying petroleum products from any middle-eastern nation. I would also support heavy tariff's on goods from other nations unwilling to participate in this de-facto embargo of Arabian oil. The objective being to topple and destabilize the middle-eastern nations - who are ruled by barbaric throw-backs more interested in torturing their women, murdering homosexuals, and forcing others to accept their mythology than in being "decent, tolerant human beings."

Now, I don't think we as US Citizens need to be "dispensing justice, freedom and the American way" from the barrel of an M4. But at the same time, I believe that those dark-age rejects stoning their women to death don't need one red cent of our money either. I would use the dessicated husks of the remaining federal agencies to enforce this policy, with 15% of the revenue collected providing their chief source of funding. That task should keep the Federal Bean counters occupied enough that they can, for my four years in office - or until someone assassinates me - manage much less mischief than normal.

...Oh the remaining 85% of the tariff will be put towards developing solar power, wind turbines, geothermal heating, dam construction, nuclear power plants, and developing local coal mines and oil wells. Also grants to states to harden their electrical grids.

14: I will veto any budget that does not cut 60% or more of highway funding. States and municipalities will be responsible for their roads. Roads and rail-lines were built before the government, and they will be again. The trains will probably run on time too.

15: I will support congressional legislation repealing the National Firearms Act of 1934 and the Gun Control Act of 1968. Anything short of a bio/chem/nuclear weapon should be legal in my opinion. Appeals to public safety fall on deaf ears to me. Nowhere in the constitution does it say we have a right to safety. It does say we have the right to freedom, and have the right to bear arms - and not be infringed in that right. I will also use my appointments at the justice department, and of federal judges to push this agenda. As a rule, federal prosecutions of weapons violations at the justice department level will stop unless the weapon was used in the commission of another violent crime. Thanks Obama for setting that precedent. If I can't get congressional support for a repeal, they will effectively be dead laws at a federal level for my tenure in office.

16: I would support legislation to institute a national sales tax, that became effective with the death of the progressive income tax. 15%. If you want to pay less, buy less. A certain and very limited group of food and clothing items would be exempt from this tax. This list of items would be hand picked by a committee of 50 individuals that are chosen randomly from poverty-line working-class families, with oversight from the secretary of the Treasury.

17: I would support legislation repealing the progressive income tax. I would also use my executive powers to cripple the IRS as much as possible if this is not achievable.

18: I would use the justice department to aggressively attack business entities that have become entrenched in Washington DC, and the lawmakers that enable them. Businesses that promote legislation not for the betterment of society, but as a barrier to competition need to be outed, along with their lackeys. The courts, the media, and playing dirty are all on the table for dealing with these folks. I am weary of the Mega-corps like Safeway, Walmart, and Monsanto pushing legislation designed to crush competitors. We have never seen free-market capitalism in this nation. Ever. Every tool at my disposal will be sharpened, and dedicated to routing out the vipers, and cutting them into little bits.

19: I will appoint either the strictest constitutionalist, mushy moderate, or most progressive liberal I can find to the supreme court. My decision will be based on what the make-up of the court is. My objective is to create as much of a stalemate as possible. I want deadlock, and I want those justices at each others throats. I will appoint whatever will be most antagonistic to the goals of the majority of any given supreme court.

20: All unaccounted for Tax-revenue will be bent towards paying down the national debt. It is already reaching a point that, if we suffer any more credit downgrades, it will be unmanageable. Keynes famously said, "In the long run, we're all dead." That's all fine and dandy for him - he's not the one that get's to be holding the bag when it's time for the "nation" to die.

21: I will veto any legislation funding or outlawing anything to do with lady-parts. Period. (No pun intended.) Trying to outlaw or de-facto ban reproductive-y things through malicious-regulation? Veto. Try to force the tax-payers fork over money for anything female reproductive-y? Veto, complete with @ss-wiping. Dealings with the lady-parts are between her and her doctor. The only thing limiting her access to any service regarding her lardy-parts should be what she is able to pay for. Full stop. You won't appeal to my sense of decency. Decency can sit in the back of the bus with safety. My chief concern is FREEDOM.